The dark war
The beginning of the war
Hello bloggers this is my first draft of a quest story so it won’t be perfect. Please leave a comment on what I did well and what I need to practise.
It was a dark, wet night in Gothaca. Roger was talking to king Duncan about Craig the king of darkness. Who had been leading orcs and goblins from the Darkness into Gothaca. “There heading to dark hill” shouted lukeis as he dashed frew the doorway. “Roger now we know this” … thad lukeis fell dead with a arrow in his head! Suddenly ten orcs came in with the mark hove Craig
On their shields only
one had a bow. Roger and
king Duncan were both
armed Roger and a sword
and bow well king Duncan
only had a sword.
The orcs noting that they hard company attacked Roger and Duncan! In a heartbeat Roger fired the only arrow he had it hit the tenth orc now he did not fare being shot and run at orcs. 4 minutes later there was only one orc left which ran towards dark hill. “Well now we now this you must lead my armies and defeat Craig”!
“Sir Roger is approaching the dead swamp’s shell we wait or fight” said a warg rider. “We shall fight” replied Craig ghrothly. “H h How should I prepare are men” “sir” said the warg rider “You won't I will you maggot now go” Shouted Craig!
3 days later generals were shouting orders for their troops so they didn't notice Craig's advance. Fortunately Craig was fighting in the swamps so his fastest troops couldn't go at full speed. Suddenly archers noticed the change and released a deadly volley of arrows.
Craig had been expecting this so he raised a flag and shields went up arrows bouncing off harmlessly.
Now the orks had reached solid ground , and ran at their enemy with wargs running in front of them. Roger had finally noticed this development and pulled his army together. Craig was mad now and sent in more orks! The two armies met each other and the battle of the dead swamps began. Now the tide was changing and the orcs were wining “should I send in more troops”? asked one of the generals. “No” shouted Craig “we most keep some troops back in reserve”.
“Roger were losing we most send in the cavalry” said Rogers adviser “Fine” Replied Roger. Ma chanted the houses has they thundered towards the orks. By this time the orcs and wargs had defeated the foot soldiers only to find horses charging at them. They formed up with their spears pointing at the enemy. Craig realised he was losing he decided he most retreat “pull back pull back pull back” shouted Craig angrily. The orcs jumped on there wargs and rode them into the dead swamps. “Keep some troops back here to fight Roger” ordered Craig. “Yes sir” replied a ugly, old goblen. A few hours later Rogers troops were shouting in joy “we have done it” Roger told Duncan. “No we haven't” replied Duncan. “Why do you say that” asked Roger. “Because Craig retreated now
he’s in crimson valley” said Duncan. “Why do you care about crimson” asked Roger. “Its were the elves live that's why I care” answered Duncan. “But they”... “just be quiet this is the reason I want to fight it's that if he gets farther back he’ll come back with ogres” said Duncan angrily.
Keep reading in book two “Crimson valley” ...
Hi Craig.The Story has a good beginning and good detail. my feedback is you have you need to re read your work and check that you have used capital letters and full stops because it is really important. The best thing to do is use Capital letters on nouns only. Thank you for sharing from christian.
ReplyDeleteHi my name is Estelle and I think this is a nice story. But I think you should write the word king with a capital letter.Thank you for sharing your work.
ReplyDeleteFrom Estelle
Hello Craig my name is Vitaraag.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all what you did well was describing and saying the main parts of the story. For example you described how they threw spears. What I think you need to work on is punctuation.But other than that the story is perfect BYE!!!
Kia ora My name is Amanda from Hay park School.
ReplyDeleteI really like how you added more detail. Next time you could use capital letters and full stops because when I read it, it had some mistakes. For example you wrote King but you put a lowercase for the name,it needs to be capital because it's a name.
Hi there Craig it's me Hinemoa from Hay Park School.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote some sentences where there were no full stop and you wrote King with no capital letter.
Hi Craig my name is Viliami and I am A year five from Hay Park School in Mt Roskill.
ReplyDeleteYou can improve by adding a full stop to the end of your sentence on top of your picture.Also when you spelt orcs you changed it to o.r.k.s instead of orcs.I like the way you have used metaphors and adjectives.The metaphor I like the best was released a dead volley of arrows and the adjective I liked was angrily.
Sincerely
Viliami The Great
Hey Craig my name is Jeremiah from Hay Park School. I really like how you described the battle and when I read you story it really gave me a good picture of what the battle looked like. A few things that you should improve on is Capital letters. for example you wrote king Duncan but it should be King Duncan with a capital K. Also you could re-read it because when I was reading your story some parts didn't make sense.
ReplyDeleteHi my name is Lonise and i'm from Hay park school.I really like how you added details to your writing.I think you could improve your writing by making sure that you put capital letters in the right place.I think that before you published you writing ,you should re read it to yourself, and make sure that it makes sense and it has no spelling mistake.
ReplyDeleteHi my name is Nevaeh and i'm in room 9 in hay park school. I really liked how you used interesting words but you didn't correct your writing before you posted your writing on your blog. Now you can improve your writing by spell checking it.
ReplyDeleteHi my name is Ashtyn and I'm in room 9. I like the way you used interesting words you need to put a full stop at the end of your sentences.
ReplyDeleteFrom Ashtyn
Hi I am from Hay Park School and my name is Raden .I've just looked at your blog and I read it.I could see you have started your blog. The first thing that is wrong in your story is it doesn't make sense in some parts. You could reread it and add in the correct punctuation. From Raden
ReplyDeleteHi there Craig it me Bob a student from Hay park school. I liked how you started with it was a dark wet day it made me feel like reading this because of the beginning of the story and the title. The mistake that really caught my eye was when you said ten orcs came with the mark hove Craig. You could correct this sentence so it makes sense. But I think the writing was phenomenal. from Bob
ReplyDeleteHi Craig.The Story has a good beginning and good detail. My feedback is you need to re read your work and check that you have used capital letters and full stops because it is really important. The best thing to do is use Capital letters on nouns only. Thank you for sharing from Devanti
ReplyDeleteHi my name is Andrew, from Hay Park School.I really like how you have written a post about a war and you have used a nice title and it is great to see you use dialogue. Our teacher Miss fortes she read your writing to our class and it was fabulous. What you can improve on is that to have a paragraphs instead of a long story with no paragraphs. You have put some capital letters in a lower case place. For example you forgot to put a capital k in the word king but you could change it to a capital k and you have placed a full stop at the wrong place but you can re-read it and fix it.But keep up the work!. I really enjoyed reading your amazing story!
ReplyDeleteMalo lei lei Craig,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Nathaniel and I am a studdent from Hay Park School in room 9 which is located in Mt Roskill (in Auckland).I love your story about The Dark War and the characters you added with a excitment and feeling. This is great for a year four studdent.I am shocked and impressed with this awesome story you came up with.The part I liked mostly about your story was how you came up with this cool idea to add Orcs and Goblens.It made me think about this game that I play at home wich is called Clash Of Clans.Its a fun cool game that makes me think alot when i'm fusstrated.The thing I think you need to improve on is to spell King with a captil letter, and for your last sentance at the end of your cool story you could add a full stop at the end.
Thankyou for looking at my comment,
By Nathaniel
Hi my name is Kartia. So, I read your story The dark war the beginning of the war I really enjoyed it but when you write proper nouns (names) remember to write a capitial letter at the start of the word. from Kartia
ReplyDeleteHi I was reading your story and one thing I liked is how you wanted to tell the reader that someone is shouting so you made the word
ReplyDeleteusing capital letters .One thing you can improve is put full stops in the right spot.
Hello my name is Veronica, from hay park school and I am in room nine. I was reading through your story it was quite good but you have to add capital letter for example you forgot to put capital on some of the proper nouns and also you forgot to put full stop in the correct place. The thing i really liked was the ending. You told us to keep reading to book 2 the Crimson Valley.
ReplyDeleteHi my name is Lucas and I think you should reread your writing before you post it. But your writing is really good for a year four student.
ReplyDeleteFrom Lucas
Bonjour Craig,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Shreya and I am a year 6 student at Hay Park Primary. Your describing was amazing! You explained what the night was like which made it easy to picture.You added an awesome photo to show the story as well, and I thought that was astonishing. Maybe next time you could re-read your writing and make changes. For example maybe some punctuation could help. You have a great imagination which made this breathtaking story even better. Keep up the awesome work!
Blog you later,
Shreya
Hi Craig,
ReplyDeleteIt's me Shreya again. I just wanted to say please visit my blog on hpsshreyar.blogspot.co.nz also please leave me a positive, thoughtful and helpful comment.
Shreya
Hi Craig,
ReplyDeleteThis writing is magnificent. I have written something similar like this. Do you think we can work together to make an awesome writing? I really love writing because your imagination is endless. Also please check your spelling. But overall this is awesome work.
Visit my blog: hpsjosephc.blogspot.co.nz
Blog You Later!